


I Didn't Mean To Look

by RealOrFiction



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Explicit Language, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21737086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RealOrFiction/pseuds/RealOrFiction
Summary: Buck mistakes Eddie's phone for his own and reads a message not meant for his eyes. Que the angst.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 16
Kudos: 525





	I Didn't Mean To Look

**Author's Note:**

> So I don't write often and I definitely don't post them, but this kinda exploded out of me and I felt that with this fandom having so little out there to read, I'd make a buddie contribution. Any mistakes are my own. I do not own any of the characters (darn it), only the angst. Well, enjoy. ✌️

Buck didn't mean to look. It was an honest mistake anyone could have made, a mindless action brought on by repetition. Eddie's phone, which has a case similar in size and color to Buck's, vibrated insistently on the couch cushion next to Buck. Eddie got up to use the bathroom during one of their usual movie nights at Buck's place and the phone must have slipped out of his pocket. So if Buck instictively picked it up, too invested in the movie playing on the T.V. to really pay attention to whether it was his or not, and looked at the message well than he wasn't technically snooping, was he?

But the text caught Buck so off guard, without realizing what he was doing, he unlocked the phone, hoping what he was reading was out of context. A lump formed in Buck's throat as he read the text thread. An ache behind his eyes threatened tears as the heavy pressure of betrayal weighed down on his chest. He was having trouble breathing because this couldn't be happening to him. It just couldn't. 

From: Buck's Sis  
We should talk about what happened today.

From: Buck's Sis  
It's not fair to him Eddie. You can't keep lying to him and I don't want to lie to my brother either.

From: Buck's Sis  
He deserves to know the truth. 

To: Buck's Sis  
I'm not lying to him, Maddie. 

From: Buck's Sis  
By not telling him, you're lying. 

To: Buck's Sis  
I'm just not ready Maddie. Everything will change. I'm terrified of what will happen if he knows. I wish you wouldn't push, I'll tell him when I'm ready.

And than the most recent text, the one he never should have looked at, the one that had his heart in his stomach. 

From: Buck's Sis  
If you don't tell him soon, I will. The longer this stays between us, the more it will hurt him. My brother can't keep going on like everything is normal and honestly it's killing me not being able to tell Chim. 

"What the hell are you doing, man?" 

Buck looked up at Eddie's exclamation, confusion and worry battling for dominance on his face as he watched Buck's shaky hands lower the phone. 

Suddenly Buck was angry. The tears, which were so close to spilling on Buck's face, seemed to dry up. He jumped to his feet and with a couple long, quick strides shoved Eddie's phone to his chest, text thread still open. Eddie clutched the phone before it could take a dive for the floor at Buck's sudden release, taking a quick glance at the screen. 

"Are you fucking my sister?" Buck yelled, shoving Eddie's shoulders. Eddie stumbled back, momentarily surprised. "Behind my back? Behind Chim's? How the fuck could you do that?"

"Buck--"

"Get out." 

Buck turned away from his best friend. He didn't want to look at Eddie. Not while his heart was breaking into a million pieces. He refused to show Eddie just how much this was killing him. 

Interlocking his fingers, he brought his arms up, placing his hands behind his head, hoping that opening his lungs will help him breathe. He took a couple of steps away from Eddie, as if distancing himself from the man will make everything hurt less.

"Buck please--" A hand grazed his shoulder. Buck flinched from underneath it and shrugged it away. Buck would rather his other leg be crushed by a fire truck than have Eddie touch him right now. 

"We are done." The words stung as they left Buck's mouth. He didn't even mean to say them, not wanting to say anything he'd regret. But Buck knew things between them would never be the same again. 

"Let's talk about this, you don't un--"

Buck swung around to face him.

"This friendship between us? It's over. We have nothing more to talk about. And I swear to God Eddie, if you keep me from seeing Christopher--" a pained moan escaped his lips, the thought of not seeing Christopher anymore overwhelming with his already raw emotions. "If it's not about work, and if we aren't with Chris, pretending things haven't changed, we aren't talking. We aren't friends. Now get out."

Eddie flinched at the bite in Buck's tone, eyes red rimmed as he shook his head.  
"But Buck--"  
Buck chuckled humorlessly. "Fine." He grabbed his keys from the bowl by the door and left, slamming the front door behind him. 

Buck didn't have anywhere to go. Usually he would go to his sister with any of his problems, they've always been close and shared everything with each other, but he was just as mad at her, if not angrier. How could she do this to him? 

She knew. Maddie knew that Buck was head over heels in love with Eddie, yet she still put her own feelings above his. Buck didn't understand how she could do something so selfish. Maddie never hinted that she was into Eddie, so why?

But I guess she wouldn't though, would she? If she didn't want Buck to know. 

And Chim. Fuck, this was going to destroy him. Chim, who treated her so good, who was the best thing that's ever happened to Maddie. How could she just throw that away?

The road in front of him began to blur, the anger finally dissipating to be replaced by his grief. He pulled into an empty parking lot, unable to hold back the tears any longer. The sobs ripped his throat raw. 

It felt like he was hit my another tsunami. Two of the most important people in his life, betrayed him. He felt so alone. So lost. So confused. He didn't understand how it was so easy for people to hurt him. He could never do this to them, never. He cared about them too much, did they not care about him at all?

Buck's phone began to blow up shortly after he pulled his Jeep over. The vibration against his thigh seemed to be never ending but he ignored the calls. He ignored the messages. He waited in that parking lot long enough for the tears to stop, enough time for Eddie to give up waiting for him to come back and just go home, and even longer so just because he didn't want to return to his empty apartment. 

He thought about going to Bobby's, but it was well past one a.m. and Buck knew the man had a shift the next day. He thanked whoever was listening that Buck didn't have to go in as well.

When exhaustion finally settled into his bones he decided to go home. He didn't think he'd be able to sleep, not on his own anyway. So when he got home, grateful Eddie's truck was no longer in the parking lot, he made a beeline for his bathroom cabinet to take some Zquil. Once he took the appropriate dose, he settled into bed before thankfullly nodding off. 

Buck didn't speak to Eddie outside of a professional manner for the next couple of weeks. Any time Eddie tried to talk to him, Buck would walk away, ignore him. He stayed civil in the workplace to keep Bobby off his back, but he knew the team could clearly see something was wrong. 

He didn't answer any of Maddie's calls or messages either. She tried to come by multiple times, and though she had a key she respected him enough to leave him alone. Doesn't mean she stopped trying, though. 

Buck knew he couldn't ignore it forever, that he'd have to face their relationship eventually, but Buck couldn't bear the thought of seeing them together. He couldn't bear the thought of Maddie having everything that meant the most to him. His world. His boys. The life he wanted more than anything. It just wasn't fair. 

Chim seemed none the wiser. So Maddie hadn't told him yet. Buck thought about telling him himself. But honestly? Buck didn't want to see the look on Chim's face, the devastation. Buck didn't want to see everything he was feeling reflected on Chim's face. 

Maybe that made him a coward but Chim deserved to hear it from her and she deserved to see the hurt her actions caused him. 

So the Friday two weeks after he found out, Buck lounged around in bed feeling sorry for himself. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He didn't want to see anyone. He just wanted to sleep. 

Usually Buck would go over to Eddie's to watch movies with him and Christopher on nights like this. He missed Christopher, but he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep it together long enough around Eddie to see him. He just needed a bit more time to accept and cope. 

Buck sighed when he heard knocking at his door. He thought about not answering it but the knocking wouldn't cease. Fuck, he wished they'd leave him alone. 

Buck reluctantly got to his feet and walked to the bathroom. He splashed some water on his face. If it wasn't Maddie or Eddie, he wanted to make sure he didn't look worrisome, like he'd been in bed all day. After drying his face he made his way down the stairs to open the door. 

He was met with a tired looking Eddie, hair a mess and clothes rumpled like he had just rolled out of bed. Buck checked the time to find that it was midnight. He didn't realize how late it was. 

"Where's Christopher?" Buck's voice was rough with disuse. 

"At my Abuala's. Look, Buck, can we--"

"Then there isn't a reason you should be here." Buck tried to close the door in Eddie's face, but Eddie was ready and caught the door before Buck could shut it. 

"Please, Buck. I'm begging you. It's not what you think, man. Please."

Buck laughed. "It's pretty clear what it is, Eddie."

"I didn't sleep with Maddie. Buck, you have to believe me."

But Buck couldn't believe him. "How can I trust you, man? You've been lying to me. I can't trust anything you say anymore."

Eddie ran a trembling hand through his hair. His eyes were wide with desperation, a plea that in any other situation Buck would have broken down and gave into. Buck was always a sucker for Eddie's eyes.

"Believe me or not but I need to tell you the truth. Just listen." Eddie begged.

Buck shook his head and turned to walk further into the room, leaving the door open behind him. It was the closest thing to an invitation the man would get. Buck found himself in his kitchen, looking out the window into the night. The quiet peacefulness, only disrupted occasionally by a car or a siren, was a stark contrast to the chaos of his mind. 

"I'm not having an affair with Maddie."

"So you keep saying." Buck shrugged. Eddie saying it over and over didn't make it true. 

Buck could hear Eddie's footsteps as he walked into the kitchen. They stood in silence for a while, trying to figure out how to be in each other's presence with so much tension between them. 

Eddie finally brought himself to speak. "That day you saw the messages, Maddie came to the station. It was after your shift ended, you had already packed up and gone home. She came by to eat lunch with Chim. He was taking a shower at the time, he had spilt coffee all down his front. So she sat with me in the kitchen while she waited. We were alone, everyone else was doing their own thing." Eddie paused to take a shaky breath. Buck's heart pounded in his chest, ears ringing because he didn't know if he could handle what Eddie had to say. "We talked. And she....well she said something to me that I didn't quite expect. I freaked out. I had a panic attack."

Though Buck wanted to, he didn't turn at the crack in Eddie's voice. When it was clear he wasn't going to continue, Buck asked, "What did she say to you?"

Eddie was silent for another minute. Maybe he was trying to find an easier way to break it to Buck. Or maybe he was trying to come up with another lie. Who knows?

"We were talking about Christmas. About how you made it possible for everyone to spend time with their families. How you made it possible for me to have Christmas with mine. I told her how much it meant to me, that you did that. And then she said, out of the blue, 'I thought for sure you'd get up the nerve to finally kiss him for New Years.'"

Buck wasn't sure what to make of that. He looked down at his hands, knuckles bone white as he gripped the edge of the counter tightly.  
Buck laughed. "You freaked out at the thought of someone thinking you'd want to kiss me?"

Clearly it was a joke but it stung. It's not the first time someone assumed they were together, or that they were a family, or that maybe there was a little more to their bromance that the two was letting on. But it was a harmless joke. Maddie is very prone to making them, so why did Eddie freak out so much?

"Buck, that's not why I panicked. I panicked because," Eddie took another deep breath, "because if Maddie knew the truth, she'd tell you and then you'd leave me again."

Wait. Buck wasn't sure he was following. 

"Eddie, I'm so confused." He finally turned to face the man. "Maddie making a stupid joke sent you into a panic attack, why?"

Eddie, who was leaning against the opposing counter stood up and stepped closer. 

"Because it wasn't a stupid joke, Buck. She knew how I felt. I was terrified she would tell you." Eddie all but shouted. "Buck, do I have to spell it out for you?"

Apparently he did. Because Buck wasn't getting it. Where did kissing him come into play with how Eddie and Maddie felt about each other?

The confusion must have shown on his face because Eddie took another step forward to grab Buck's face. "Buck."

Eddie looked up into his eyes with exasperated fondness.

"Buck, I don't have feeling for Maddie. I have feelings for you." He said it with so much conviction that Buck had no other choice but to believe him. "I had an anxiety attack because I didn't want you to find out yet. I wasn't ready to risk our friendship. Honestly, I'm still not. "

So that's what Maddie meant when she said they should talk about what happened that day? Not a kiss or a tryst, but a panic attack? A panic attack spurred on by the thought of Buck leaving him after finding out Eddie had feelings for him? Thinking that Maddie knowing Eddie had feelings for Buck meant Maddie telling Buck about these feelings?

"You have...feelings for me? You're not sleeping with Maddie?" Buck whispered, making sure he was understanding correctly. His mind was abuzz with the new information and he was struggling to process it. 

Eddie chuckled. "Maddie is not the Buckley I want to sleep with. She was just concerned about you. She felt that it wasn't fair for me to keep such a big secret from you. I'm just sorry it took me so long to tell you. I hope....I hope that we can move past it. I don't expect anything, Buck, I just wanted you to know." Eddie released his face and stepped away. 

Buck shook his head and followed his movement.

"You have feelings for me?" Buck asked again. 

"Yeah, Buck. I really do. I'm sorry." Eddie looked down. "I didn't mean to. It won't change anything, I promise."

"But...what if I want it to?"

Eddie, mistaking what Buck said, turned away to hide his anguish. 

"No, Eddie look at me." When he didn't, Buck grabbed his face to lift his chin so he'd meet Buck's eyes. "I...I have feelings for you too. It's why Maddie pushed you to tell me."

Eddie let out a breath of relief, the warmth of it caressing Buck's face. 

"I love you, Eddie. I'm at fault just as much as you are. I didn't tell you either."

Before he even finished his sentence he was being crushed into a hug, Eddie's arms like a vice around him, as if he were putting all the broken pieces of Buck back together.

When Eddie pulled away, he took Buck's face in his hands once again and brought their lips together. The kiss was tender and held so much of the emotion that they held back from one another, that in itself was like coming up for fresh air. Buck could breathe again.

"Thank fuck." Buck let out a shaky laugh. "I didn't know how I was ever going to forgive her. Or you. I was...a wreck."

Eddie ran a thumb over Buck's cheekbone, the fingers on his other hand tangling in the short hair at Buck's nape. Eddie held him like he was fragile, like he was precious. Buck's heart thrummed frantically in his chest. 

"I'm sorry it took such an epic misunderstanding for me to tell you how I feel. Because Buck, I love you too. Christopher loves you so much. I hope this means you'll be a part of this family officially."

Buck smiled, eyes watering at the prospect of having everything he wanted after all. His heart soared. 

"Yes. Yes, of course it does."


End file.
